She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
