Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
