No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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