Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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