i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Found the puke drawer
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
