im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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