walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
