seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You took a bar mat shot.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
