I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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