Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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