The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
