I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
