If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
my poor anus
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
