last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
