Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
