cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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