I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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