I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
