So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
