I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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