well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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