Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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