The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
