And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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