I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
