sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
