Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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