I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
