If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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