I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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