wanna go halves on a baby?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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