i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
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Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
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It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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