So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
