im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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