I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
