Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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