in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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