I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
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You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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