How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
