I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
