I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
