Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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