i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
