I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
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Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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