I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
