3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
