I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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