We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
