This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
