So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
