My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Alive.
So much puke
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
