I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
