dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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