I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
