I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
