started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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