i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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