apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
