i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
