She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
