My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
