just come out here and I will go home with you...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
