Your mouth is God's brothel.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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